Whiny Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary....we spent the afternoon at our clinic. The drive home I swear we were the only non-minivan with stick family on the entire road (WHAT is the deal with those, btw? Are they just trying to be ironic now?).

 I spent a lot of the afternoon thinking about how it marks the official "4 year TTC" mark, along with all the things that I've done with my husband over these years. I almost led myself down the dark, evil path of thinking where we *could* be if we weren't infertile or where we *should* be if I had given in on trying to conceive on my own or called the RE and gone in the second I received the referral. Almost. Instead - and I think this is purely because I no longer contain the energy or emotions to think this way - I thought about the trips we'd had: London, Spain, multiple Caribbean, domestic trips with our families; the time I've spent getting to know my husband, the fights during which we screamed at each other and learned what buttons *not* to push anymore, and the loud, rowdy sex and all of the times in between the two extremes; and I even thought about the me time such as long walks with the dogs and laying on the local beaches, shopping, watching a movie in the middle of the day completely uninterrupted. Would I trade all of these for a child of my own? In less than a heartbeat I would. Do I regret not calling the RE quicker and "throwing in the towel" as I had thought of it at the time? Maybe, but we can't live our lives wallowing in regret and self loathing. 

I'd like to think that I have grown into a women much braver, smarter, and experienced - and of course more beautiful - than I was at 26. I will be able to teach a son or daughter so much more because of the trips and life lessons, and more importantly my husband and I will be able to demonstrate a healthy relationship thanks to the time we've spent together prior to the craziness of parenthood. 

Of course, most of this is just me trying to convince myself that everything is "ok" and that I must stop waiting for my life to begin with a pregnancy. It does help a bit though.