I have become Bitchy McBitterson over the past few weeks and it's just not cool. Without getting too whiny or rant-y I will try to give a few of the lead contributing factors that have brought me to: giving a new mom a dirty look*, snap at women on social media**, and just have nasty thoughts and disposition in general. Where I was once a fairly rational person, I now allow rage to overtake reason and when the voice in my head tells me not to do something, I just can't listen.
I'm pretty sure the main component to my new found disposition is that my husband has been recovering from surgery for over a month now. Nothing too drastic but enough that he's been home the entire time and is just this week beginning to do anything on his own - and I do mean anything. He is easily the worst patient you'll ever meet whereas I am not a very patient person*** and the scene has been tense to say the least.
Due to said surgery, we have been unable to move forward in our conception journey. We now cannot start a cycle of IVF until at least mid-summer, which is sooo not what I was planning. So basically my life consists of working 12 hour days, coming home for second shift nursing, repeat; with nothing to even look forward to, no dates to block off on my calendar, no one to call when I'm Cycle Day 1. I find myself thinking of excuses to call my RE, just to remind him that I'm still alive.
I also have not been sleeping. I know that this is a common problem for many but usually not for me. Perhaps it's because I haven't shared a bed with my husband for over a month but I really don't think so. If I'm good at anything, it's passing right out and snoozing until my godforsaken alarm wakes me (I'm also pretty awesome at convincing myself that the snooze button is friend, not the foe it really is and that 20 minutes is PLENTY of time- spoiler alert for anyone who wants to give that a whirl: it never is). Lately I'll toss and turn for hours, just thinking about how far off from where I wanted to be by 30.
I like to think I'm fairly self-aware; I know I don't have things half as bad as many and should be thankful for what I have and usually I am, I really am. The weight of the infertility is just crushing me, and so much lies in the hands of appointments and end goals and working towards those that when they're not there, it's hard to see anything else....if that makes any sense at all.
*I really did you guys, I don't know what made me do it, she was just walking past my house with her perfect little family of perfect husband, adorable toddler and newborn and when we caught eyes, I could not smile at her.
**So cowardly, so lame, and so not me. Also, so pointless! Different opinions are what make the world go round, even the idiotic ones. It reminds me of this comic that makes it's way round every few months in which a man is telling his wife he'll be coming to bed in "just a minute, someone is wrong on the internet".
***Match made in heaven, I know.
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